Apparently you make a good broom.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
