I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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