I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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