He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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