Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
