bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
