the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize