where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
