I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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