yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
