none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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