ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
