I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
