Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
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