So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
