I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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