I want to make a zoo with you.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
