life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
