im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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