If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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