i was born a porn star she said
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
