It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
