google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
