How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
