I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
