if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
