Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
