omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
