so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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