just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
