I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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