he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
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you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
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OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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