I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I deserve to be covered in dicks
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
