literally had 100 drinks last night.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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