just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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