Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
