I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
