I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
