I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
