just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
is wine microwaveable?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
