After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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