Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
