guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
