you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
