Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
