I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
