Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
