the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
