you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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