i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
As shirtless as possible
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
