im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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