really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
