Soap is not a condiment
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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