"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
