It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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