i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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