so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
