I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
