There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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