I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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